it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
