Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
