careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize