420 ftw
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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