I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
