The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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