he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hippo gnu deer
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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