I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
