if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
