YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
