I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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