quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
