I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
