I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
