he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
