whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
there was a trapeze. enough said
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
