I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
vagina is talking i cant
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
