I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
