The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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