why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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