Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
