I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
