Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize