You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
