i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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