I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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