3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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