Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
