i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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