Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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