Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Houston, we have a blender
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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