The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
