Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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