So drunk its hurt
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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