He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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