mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
