if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
