we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think people are normalizing furries
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize