Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
