I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize