He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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