My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
