I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
