He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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