but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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