either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
