I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize