he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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