so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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