I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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