He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
