i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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