Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
