I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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