I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
