You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
