You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
