i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
