cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
