Kiss
Puke
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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