She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
